hmm.

im not sure what to do anymore.





im pretty sure; that my best friend is drifting away slowly.
i wish i knew what to do.

alrite. so i havent updated for a while cuze i've been grounded. but im at my dads right now with Kristina but shes asleep. i couldnt sleep. fucker. but anyways. Tanner is in Florida and i miss him. lots. i havent seen my brother in forever it seems like. :[ andd somethings wrong with me and Kayla. i think shes mad at me but i dont know. and last nite when i picked up Kristina i hugged her forever. i missed my best friend. lots. and then last nite we went to the Ottawa Fair. wooo. its a whole lotta nothing. but it was still kinda fun. and before i got Kristina i went out to eat with my dad and his fiance Tabitha and then my cousin Cody and then Justin and his fiance Pagie. shes a sweetie i like her. but hes only 19 and hes getting maried. eeh. i dont know what to say to that. but yeah and my dads getting married like next August. so that should be fun. this is the first time ive been to his house since before i went to London. and before summer even started. thats a long time. school starts soon. :\








i might get on tonite and tell you how tonite goes cuze were going to the fair again and everyones gonna be drunk. oh yeah and last nite i got to drive home from the fair. and when Tabitha gets home shes gonna let me and Kristina go driving. woo. i love Ottawa. its a small town and theres like no cops. haha.

okay so this one will most likly be a long one. im having a lot of problems lately and i have no idea how to deal with them.

k so first. biggest problem. [KPC]

i have no idea what to do with this one. i mean suddenly it seems like everything has been going wrong with our friendship. it seems like everynite we get in fights. and i hate that. so much. like she knows everything about me. everything and she left me once. and then she came back and we were best friends again if not better friends than before. but one part of me is saying we need a break because something is wrong; but another part of me is saying that we just need to talk things out and like today, we had a ton of fun. and Krista is coming soon and i want to see her and have fun with her and Kayla like we did last time. i seriously dont know the last time i had that much fun. and i want to be a part of that. because they are 2 of my best friends. but at the same time. i almost need a break from Kayla. because i cant take all these fights everynite. maybe at least like a week er two. i really dont know. i want to be friends with her and i dont want to lose her but at the same time its like i need to for a little while. im so confused on what to do.

next problem. my brother. [TRW]

he never wanted me and Kayla to be friends in the first place and maybe that would have been best. dont get me wrong Tanner is my best friend but at the same time it seems like i piss him off so easy. and i dont wanna do that. i know i can tell him absolutly anything and he will never judge me. he is the one person i showed something to that i have never shown anyone before. because i hate to think about it. and when we hang out we have a good time. always. and hes been threw just about everything with me to. things no one else would understand. but at the same time. i feel bad. because we are seriously best friends; and sometimes i think it hurts a person when i talk about him because she wants to be his bestfriend. eek. and Tanner gives me about the best advice ever. sometimes i dont take the advice; but i listen to him and keep it in my mind. and this time when he gave me his advice. i think he was right.

nextttt. my old friends. [LAB, ARE]

i feel so bad because we always used to hang out and i havent hung out with Annie all summer; and Lauren maybe times. and me and Annie hung out like everyday until she moved. and then its like everything went wrong. we only talked sometimes and she hasent been over in so many monthes. and i miss her like crazy. and things have changed between us. alot has. she says she thinks im a different person. and im sorry if i am. Annie i want to hang out with you soon because i do miss you. and for Lauren. wow. what can i say. i mean we used to talk everyday and she would come sleepover at like 11 at nite. and i miss that to. i just want us to be back to how we used to be. all of us. but that wont happen.

anddd thennn [KMK]

it seems like things have been going down the drain with us to. nothing is the same as it used to be. and i have no idea what happend. and im sorry if i did anything. i hope i didnt. i just want to see you soon and have a good time and not worry about things. i want us to be best friends and talk all the time like we did when we first met. and i hope that happens. because i miss you. i just cant wait to see you. and we need to talk. because it seems like somethings wrong. and i feel like im the cause of it. and i dont want to be. but baby im here when you need someone to talk to. you know just about everything Kayla and Tanner know. trust me.

also. family.

well right now family isnt good. home isnt good. i dont wanna be a complainer. but hold on im gonna go get my journal that i wrote in about people in and ill type it here...

Mimi [my grandma]
i love how when i call to ask you a question you laugh at me like im a fucking idiot. andddd. im glad you blame everything on me when you have no idea what happend. and also. your good at acting like nothing happend when just 5 minutes ago you were screaming at me.
k so about her. she is the type of person that shows that everythings okay when everythings wrong. that can be good and bad. she keeps all her feelings inside and no on can ever help her.

Papa [my grandpa]
it looks like you went back to your old habits. i thought you were done with that shit. you let me down. again thanks alot.
that was about this one nite he got drunk again. he is the reason why im "rich" which i hate to be. ill tell you why later. but heres the thing. hes had a problem with drinking before. and when he drinks he doesnt stop. and its horrible. everyone hates it in my family. because he doesnt remember anything and he does the stupidest things. ugh. he was my last hero that i had before i gave up. hes always kept me going. and then he fails me. all the time.

Dan [my stepdad]
why is it that you tell mom about my bathroom and bedroom and then she tells me. its like you say anything to me. oh and yesterday i heard you talking about me. im not an idiot. you always know how to push my buttons and you do it and i get so pissed off and you know it and you think its funny. i wish you knew that me and mom always have to act like everythings okay around you and now; everyone else to.
no more comment on him. hes just a dick. he screams at me infront of my friends. ask Tanner and Alex and Kayla. they know.

Mom.
as for you; it seems like Dan is changing you into a person you dont wanna be. i can tell when things are wrong when no one else can. i hate to see you so sad. your just not the same anymore. i understand and see more than you think. and then sometimes you take Dans side. and other times you take mine. and when Dan starts staying shit about me. you join in. thanks alot.




k so as for home. it sucks. all there ever is; is screaming and fighting and all this putting down shit. i hate it.



thats about it for now. i know no one will read this whole thing. but i feel a little better. but now that i read back threw it all. i think i know what the problem is for all of this...


me.

im going to work at Vacation Bible School with Kayla.
in a few minutes.
so this is short.
but yeah ill add more when i get home.
wait.
when i get home i think Tanner and Stephen are coming over.
eek.
idk.




ill add more sometime.

plain and simple.
i hate my family.
except my sister.
but she gets on my nerves.
its this house i cant take.
the fighting all the time.
all the fucking gay ass comments about how i look.
im fucking sick of being put down.
fuck this shit.




and guess waht.
right now.
i hear more screaming and fighting.
just turn up the music.
and everything will be okay.







i cant take this anymore

last nite Jasmine and Kayla slept over and we had so much fun. we watched that movie on disney Read It and Weep. that was really good. and then we went outside and layed under the stars and talked for an hour er so. and then we went inside and watched Superstar and Dodgeball. it was alot of fun. i love my girls.



and right now im at Kaylas and were eating candy and then tommorrow were going to church. woo.




ill add another entry tomm. when i go home.

all you do is think about him. and it brings you down. my god. you always got so pissed at me. and now your doing it. wow. i dont know if i can take this.

im so sick of everything. my best friend gets drunk and treats me like a piece of shit. that was great. one of my other best friends is like dying inside and i cant stand to see it and i feel like im dying with her. my family isnt even a family anymore my stepdad called my mom a fucking bitch last nite and she was so upset she just didnt let it show and Tanner had to yell at him. i hate to see my mom like this. shes not okay. i know shes like dying inside to. i dont know what to do anymore. im so sick of all this shit. people walking all over me. and i cant do anything to stop them no matter how hard i try. and then get this. no matter what i tell someone to do; esp. when its good advice. she doesnt listen and ends up doing something stupid; er something. i just cant do this anymore. i dont know what to do. im so sick of everything.

i need to get out of my house.
im sick of all the screaming and yelling.
and all the fighting.
i want my stepdad gone.
hes just dead weight.
i wish my grandpa wasnt an alcoholic.
i wish my grandma showed some feelings.
i wish my mom would be happy for once.
she never smiles a smile thats real.
i wish my sister wasnt so mean to me just to make her dad happy.
i wish i could get out of this house.
someone come save me.
please.
:(

k so i can never keep a real journal and i probablly should because i have alot of problems. :) so yeah this is at least worth a try. when something happens ill keep you posted. all i did today was go shopping with my grandma and now im waiting for Tanner to wake up so we can hang out. cuze i miss my brother. thats about all.